I don’t watch horror or scary movies for one reason. Being scared with my imagination is not a good idea. I would never be able to get images out of my head. I still remember a clip from one of the Nightmare on Elm Street on MTV when I was a kid. Not cool.
I was actually starting to outline a review as I was watching this and then I found the notes far more amusing than writing out a review. I know that none of the reviewers I follow on youtube have reviewed it so that should have been a warning sign. The reviews on youtube were it was filmed well and not that bad.
What?!
Did we watch the same movie?!
Remember I don’t watch these movies and I sat on my couch drinking coffee and remembered the other reason I don’t watch these movies. So yeah I am going to break from writing a full review for this and just share the notes I did starting from when they get to the house.
Spoilers ahead….seriously, you shouldn’t be worried about spoilers. This movie sucks and is already lining up for the Worst of 2018 and we’re only 20 days into the new year. An adult juice box isn’t going to save it or make it more bearable.
Bad language warning too….there is no way to make notes and keep my thoughts PG rated.
Enjoy.
****
Oh for fucks sake. The rocking chair….cliche
The basement lights don’t work. Really. I don’t watch horror movies and I know it’s a cliche
The basement looks like something out of an old Doom game
The step broke….really….a nice house like that and the step broke? Bullshit.
The house looks like the set from Until Dawn.
The real estate agent is one of the most over the top performances ever. Holy crap.
Worst set of a shop ever.
God the dialogue is horrible.
The jump scares….I am not scared. I am laughing….and saying what the fuck every two minutes. No one makes sense in this movie
In case you’re not looking….here is a LOUD sound of a creaking door. And now we are going to zoom in on it and then cut to shots of showers and characters completely confused
Why are you going into the basement with a towel wrapped around you just coming out of the shower?
Oh so the step has fixed itself? Huh?
The store person wants to look at the house? Yeah okay. No sinister wrongdoing. He wants to look at the house. I am betting there is something about the basement.
I am only 40 minutes in. I have less than an hour for something interesting to fucking develop
Mom found a camera what is going to develop from her pics…come on they have to go there.
Random scenes….what is the obsession with overhead shots…..as in it’s a bird’s view before they shit on someone. Oh wait we are being shit on with this shit
Where is the guy? Did he leave? Did they lose that page of the screenplay.
Here’s Martha…..MAAAARRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA
The step is broken again
Where is the shop guy?
Don’t have violin creepy music and then have nothing happen!!!!
Why does that guys voice sound computerized. Are you going to forget about him too?
Yeah, heating guy’s acting was good and gave information to develop the plot line. Never seen that before in a movie.
Mom and son confrontation. Mom can’t act. Kid can.
I love the….there’s a noise….”Hello?” What are you expecting to hear? Hi…It’s me Bob.
Oooooh something happened. Something with blood.
SHOP GUY LIVES!!!!
It’s a hobby…cliche
Rush home. This is the most energy Mom has had the entire movie.
Christmas music. Dining room table set. Phone on a platter on the table
I have a feeling the Open Houses are not Open Houses. Just saying. Might be a front for something. This might end in the basement. I have a hunch it will.
Cops are here.We’ve searched the whole house…yeah okay.
What cop has a hairstyle like this. He looks like a bitter rejected boy band singer. No seriously he has Daria’s best friend Jane’s hairstyle
The conversations make no sense. It’s like they picked random lines out of a bag
Just being friendly…..never a good thing
Shop Guy is back. Now he is going to help. Right.
Watch what you tell him Logan. And Mom is being left unattended. Yeah that isn’t part of the plot….that isn’t a contrived thing.
We have about 25 minutes left. This is shit that should have done this 30 minutes ago you know to BUILD TENSION
Shop Guy is staying over. You’re character is under developed and probably not a good guy in the end but I like Shop Guy.
Shop Guy disappeared. How is Mom sleeping through this?
BTW – Shop Guy’s name is Chris. Nope. You are Shop Guy
NOOOOOOOOOO SHOP GUY IS DEAD (with the worse cut throat I have ever seen)
Banging his head that hard into a car window is not going to do that. If you do, the kid will be dead because of the amount of force.
Kid is still alive. Bad stunt. This makes no sense. None of this has made sense. What am I doing with my life?!
Now you want to look at the pictures. That is weird. Not scary, but weird.
Now it’s a home invasion movie.
And Torture….
How is Logan still alive? In the cold with the water…hypothermia. And there is no way you can be walking around.
Music playing loud…..Very Tarantino wannabe moment.
Walking around with a knife….phone lines cut. Yawn
The sim card taken out. Uh you can still call 911
You have no problem going up and down stairs….now you have problems walking.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to the basement. What a surprise.
I’m…..
Mom’s dead….by the son. I’m confused. Must stop rolling eyes during bad movies.
Why can’t we see the killer??
Killer takes his contacts out. Now he can’t see. Wait what?
MAAAARRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA
Wait what how did he find him?
That’s the end.
THAT’S HOW YOU END THIS?!
Grade: F
geekygracada 
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