Cinematic Disasters are not so much reviews but where I take notes and just type them up because there are films that are so bad there is no good way to discuss it.
See The Open House review as an example.
So this week it was a movie I never knew existed and someone mentioned to me to watch for this new area of the blog. “It won’t hurt that much….”
Great.
Here we go…
Is that a Mattel logo for a film? Oh God.
Is this score something I’ve heard before?
It’s 1999. Thanks calendar.
Max…is he supposed to be a teenager? He looks like he’s 30.
THe exposition is lazy. It will write about it as such
Wave hand suddenly he can Matrix things.
Oh God, I’ve seen this opening montage before….wait that’s it? It’s like let’s find something that looks familiar that we can only use ten seconds of.
Um, there were no cell phones like that in 1999. I would let it slide but you made it clear that it’s 1999.
She hit him with her truck and then asks him to meet her after school. That’s not how it happens….ever.
His dad is Jim McGrath. We must note he must be important.
No one was wearing blue nail polish in 1999.
There is blue water that glows.
And there are people who are supposed to be watching glowing blue water but instead are…playing ping pong. Hey if I was working at a lab where there was a lot of water and science things to do, ping pong would be the next thing on my mind.
More exposition. Whoopie!
Oh Andy Garcia what happened.
The water has not glowed in 16 years and why are you not wearing any preventative gear or something??
Yes touch it that’s a great idea. And shit breaks loose.
NOW YOU PUT ON GAS MASKS!
Yeah Andy Garcia is going to be the bad guy…no way I could tell based on this. Oh great I was jealous because your dad was so smart and I wasn’t getting all of the attention so I killed him. How did they write this with Mad Libs?
Oooh Spam. Now I want Spam now.
Here’s my card so you know where to go to for the final battle of the film – I am calling it now
The internet did not look like that in 1999. It’s would be grainy or even worse a Real Audio file.
His hand is emitting blue glowing water and now he can light a lamp.
Free soda!!!
Why am I getting NO EXPLANATION about this blue wavy shit emitting from him.
“My fingers emit liquid energy” he types while wearing kitchen gloves. There are so many places I could go with that but I am not
Desperate plea for exposition from Mom
Something is watching him.
I’m blue la dee dee dad doo da
There was no BOBA tea in 1999 at a cafe. None at all.
Wait, we’re not in 1999. Then why was the there the deal with the calendar. Fuck.
Telling the blue waves to go off and then the lights go out.
What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.
How did he get home.
How is nothing making sense?!
Now he has marks on his chest.
Is that Glaados? Is this the lightsaber training from Episode IV
WHO IS VOICING THAT THING?!
*pauses movie to look that up because it will drive me nuts*
Josh Brener…Silicon Valley (never watched)…he was on STAR WARS REBELS???!!!
I need a moment to process the juxtaposition of what I am watching versus what he has done that is not this shit.
This robot is going to annoy me. It’s like a robot dog. The laundry comments.
This is starting to rip off E.T.
Who wrote this horrible dialogue?
The dialogue….I am serious I could never have read this when I was ten.
Hehehe hormone humor
Okay Steel is a discounted GLaDOS….the CGI is that bad.
Turbo energy? Flips? Wait he knows about kung fu?
Training montage? Yawn
The suit. Really. That’s the suit.
Who still uses a landline?
Red Robin Placement….yum!
Oh Good obligatory black SUV and E.T. bike chase.
This romance storyline is going to bore me.
Ooooh scary clouds.
And now we’re heading into the antagonist’s home.
I’m going to tell you a story about your dad where I killed him but basically it’s a genius thing of losing one’s mind.
Where is GLaDOS?
And Andy Garcia knows something is going on….ta dah.
Run. Max. Run
Using the waves as jumper cables. Ha. Ha.
Come on Dorothy…I mean Max.
I feel like I am in a discounted version of Twister now. Awesome. Not.
What the fuck is that? Which could be anything or everything in the movie
Now we are in the suit. Which looks like…..a discounted version of Iron Man’s suit.
And he’s pulled away to a Reverse Flash…..discounted…
Yes call Andy Garcia — it’s a trap. Of course, you are trying to trap him. You will because he is fucking dumb,
You’re not alone, you have a mom you idiot
And we go back to the house Elliott…I mean Max.
Okay, go to the girl’s house
Yeah light flairs. This is a great idea. Like a discount version of Hansel and….oh fuck everything in this movie is fucking cheap. It’s shit.
Time check…30 minutes left.
FUCK.
Wow look at the shrine of jealousy I have toward your father Max. It’s so obvious.
So what is Steel going to come in at the last minute
The seat thing makes me thing of Michael and Janet Jackson’s Scream video.
And flashback time.
The machine won’t work because Andy Garcia is going to sabotage it?
The answer is…..Yes. Oh God this performance is the worst.
NOW HE HAS A SUIT TOO. Andy Garcia in the suit. Why Why Why
This is not happening!
Don’t be so dramatic….please!!!!!
HIS DAD WAS AN ALIEN….I can’t. This just gets worse – I go it can’t get worse and then it’s like the film goes Gracada….hold my beer
Oh this suit is worse. It’s puffy.
This might be the worst fight I have ever seen.
More flashbacks.
Give him what he wants….right.
Is he channeling Stallone now.
Ooooh water fighting.
He exploded. Boom. Splat. Tee hee.
We have fun together. That Steel was not fun.
NESTING DOLLS?! No. No. No.
*in an operatic voice* More exposition
A rock with a gem thing.
He cried over that? That?
Ending with him going to visit the girl *yawn*
This was bad in a lazy way. I mean this was lazy writing.
geekygracada 
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